Breathe Easy: Mindfulness for parenting during the “Terrible Twos”

We’ve all heard of the term ‘Terrible Twos’ which is typically used to describe the developmental stage of children between the ages of 18 months- 3 years. Although this a totally normal part of a child’s development, this stage can be particularly challenging for parents and at times quite, well, terrible!

The ‘terrible twos’ certainly get a bad rap but, what is so ‘terrible’ about this phase?

Between the ages of 18 months to 3 years of age (sometimes sooner, sometimes later), a child is making giant leaps in their language, emotions and independence.  During this time we can expect to see a range of behaviours including:

Tantrums… often!
Children are starting to develop skills to help them regulate emotions but they’re not quite there yet, leading to frustration and meltdowns.  Adults parenting children of this age might also notice that their own emotional regulation skills could do with some work!

A new word…’NO!’
Speaking of language development, this is one word they learn fast.
A strong desire for independence means toddlers may say “no” frequently, refuse to follow instructions, or resist routines.

Emotional puddle jumping
Rapid emotional development can make for unstable and unpredictable moods.  Children might be cheerful one minute and unhappy or grumpy the next.

Pushing boundaries
Sometimes we all need to push limits to explore the world and children of this age have a lot of exploring to do. This can manifest as throwing, not doing what has been asked of them, hitting, running away or refusing to share.

Separation Anxiety
Confusingly, despite their drive for independence, children of this age still depend on a strong attachment to their caregiver, a secure base from which to explore.  Being separated from this base can cause a lot of anxiety and distress.

Another sleep regression?
Resisting naps, transitioning to a ‘big bed’, separation anxiety and increasing curiosity can lead to some sleep disturbances.  Just when you might be starting to get a bit more sleep!

Escape artistry
Increased curiosity means you might need to keep a closer eye on your child as they become quite adept to escaping, hiding and climbing.

Phew! It’s exhausting just reading about it, isn’t it?  Managing challenging behaviour on top of balancing other responsibilities can be hard for a lot of parents.  Developing a better understanding of these behaviours can be helpful in coping with them.

Some theories about the ‘Terrible Twos’
Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA School of Medicine and co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, emphasises the need to understand the developmental stages of a child’s brain to make sense of their actions and reactions.  He talks about the ‘Upstairs Brain’ (includes the prefrontal cortex and is involved in planning, reasoning, and emotional regulation) and the ‘Downstairs Brain (includes the amygdala and is involved in innate reactions, strong emotions and our alarm system).  Given that the prefrontal cortex involved in the ‘upstairs’ brain isn’t developed until our 20’s it’s easy to understand how hard it must be for very young children to effectively control their emotions and impulses.  This can explain why tantrums happen!

Philippa Perry, a renowned psychotherapist and author of the book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read’ prefers to call this stage the ‘Terrific Twos’, arguing that children of this age are discovering their sense of agency.  Perry views this time as an opportunity for parents to encourage and nurture resilience and autonomy in their child whilst maintaining safety through boundaries and routine.

The Circle of Security approach also emphasises the importance of secure relationships and provides guidance on how parents can support their child’s emotional and behavioural development.  This approach views behaviours such as defiance and tantrums as unmet emotional needs, not intentional misbehaviour.  A concept in this approach is ‘rupture and repair’ which acknowledges that making mistakes is part of all relationships and that we can repair these ruptures when they happen.

Any parent can tell you that there is an abundance of parenting information and advice out there, some helpful and some, not so much.  In this article we look at the practice of Mindfulness for parents and children, particular during the ‘Terrible (or ‘Terrific) Twos’.

What is Mindfulness?
You’ve probably heard of the word mindfulness before but might not be sure what it really means or how to practice it.  The practice of mindfulness is deeply rooted in ancient spiritual and philosophical traditions (for example, Hinduism and Buddhism).  More recently, modern psychology has incorporated mindfulness practices in the treatment of mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression and as a tool for improving general well-being.

Mindfulness, in both ancient and modern practices, has 4 key principles:

• Present-Moment Awareness: A focus on the here and now.
• Nonjudgment: Observing experiences without labelling them as good or bad.
• Compassion: Cultivating kindness toward oneself and others.
• Acceptance: Embracing experiences just as they are.

What’s the science behind Mindfulness?
There is a growing body of evidence pointing to the neurological, psychological and physiological benefits of mindfulness practices.

In 2001 Marcus E. Raichle and colleagues published a paper called ‘A Default Mode of Brain Function’ in which they identified a consistent network of brain areas that showed higher levels of activity during passive states such as when we daydream or let our minds wander, compared to when we are engaged in a task.  They coined this network the Default Mode Network, or DMN.  Regular practices of mindfulness have been shown to reduced DMN activity, resulting in less mind-wandering or rumination and as a result, improve mental health by disrupting unhelpful thinking patterns.

Hölzel and colleagues found that participants of an 8 week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program led to an increase of grey matter in regions of the brain associated with learning, emotion regulation and memory, such as the hippocampus and posterior cingulate cortex (PCC).

Lazar and colleagues found that people who had practiced mindfulness regularly for an extended period showed increased cortical thickness in the prefrontal cortex and insula, which are areas associated with attention, decision making and emotion regulation.

Desbordes and colleagues looked at fMRI scans to find that mindfulness training reduced amygdala activation, resulting in improved capacity to regulate emotions and be less reactive to stress.

Various studies also point to improved connectivity between brain regions.  For example, Taren and colleagues found that mindfulness training strengthened the connections between the amygdala (concerned with emotional reactions) and the prefrontal cortex (cognitive functions such as decision making) potentially improving skills in emotional regulation.

Many researchers have also found a correlation between mindfulness practices and numerous physiological benefits such as reduced cortisol (stress hormone), lower blood pressure and resting heart rate, improved immune response, greater pain tolerance and improved sleep.

Psychological, we know that mindfulness practices can help us to reduce anxiety, better regulate our emotions and reduce reactivity, improve concentration and attention, reduce intrusive thoughts, develop gratitude and greater compassion toward ourselves and others.

So how can Mindfulness help me?
Spend a moment considering your parenting values.  If your child had the vocabulary to do so, how would you like them to describe you?  In 10-20 years from now, how would you like them to remember how you parented them?  Do you ever find that reactivity, frustration and distraction take you away from being the parent you want to be?

Practising mindfulness helps us to stay present and patient.  It can help us to meet whatever arises (a behaviour or emotion for example) without judgement and can give us a moment to pause and make a choice about how we respond, rather than reacting in ways be might later regret.  Mindfulness can help us to be fully present with our child (without distraction) and gives us some skills to manage stress and anxiety.

The goal of mindfulness is not to stop uncomfortable feelings or unhelpful thoughts, but to develop greater awareness of our present moment experience to help us to make better choices.

Mindfulness Practices
A mindfulness practice does not to have to be a long one.  Just a few minutes a day, even several times a day can be helpful.
Some practices that you could try include:

Breathing Exercises:

Focus on one breath
Whenever you notice you’re distracted or trying to do a million things at once, pause and pay close attention to just one breath.  You might notice the sensation of the breath entering and leaving the nostrils or the rise and fall of the belly.

Square breathing
Visualise the four sides of a square.  Breath in for a count of four, visualising one side of the square.  Hold the breath for a count of four as you visualise the next side of the square.  Breathe out for a count of four, visualising the next side and hold for four as you close the square.  Continue for a few rounds.

Lengthening the exhale
It is believed that our exhale stimulates the parasympathetic branch of our nervous system which is responsible for states of rest and digest.  Silently count your inhale (maybe to 3 counts) and then add 1 or 2 counts to the exhale, making it a little longer.

Body Scan
Scan your body from the crown of the head all the way down to the feet and notice any sensations that arise- tightness, tension, pressure, temperature and energy levels for example.

‘Noticing’
A common practice in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy  (ACT) is ‘noticing’ thoughts and feelings.  Take a moment to stop and notice your thoughts without judgement.  See how it feels to say ‘He never does as he is told’ vs ‘I notice I’m having the thought that he never does as he is told’.  The practice of noticing can put our thoughts into perspective and allow us to make a choice about what we do next rather than reacting.

We can also notice something about our child that is separate to the challenging behaviour- a cute curl of hair, a soft ear or tiny hand.  Doing so can remind us of their vulnerability and allow us to respond more compassionately.

Bracketing
Sometimes strong feelings arise when we are parenting.  This could be frustration, guilt or grief.  The practice of bracketing allows us to notice our feelings and put them in ‘brackets’ while we attend to our child’s needs.  When things have settled and we have a moment, we can address what we bracketed with self-compassion and care.

Compassionate Hand
This is another tool used in ACT.   When you notice a sensation arise in the body as a result of strong emotion (chest tightness or butterflies in the tummy, for example) place your hand on this place.  This act provides physical soothing and a reminder to treat ourselves with warmth and kindness.

Balance
Try to stand on one leg. Find a still point to focus on and take some slow and steady breaths. Balancing is great for bringing us into the present moment.

• Put your phone in another room!
• Take an intentional break from your phone from time to time.

Mindfulness practices that you can do with your child

Breathing
Teach your child how to take some slow deep breaths by putting their favourite toy on their lower belly and give the toy a ride by taking some deep belly breaths.

Listening
Lie down together and close your eyes.  Listen carefully to sounds both near and far and share what you hear.

Humming
A great way to lengthen the exhale and encourage relaxation is to take a breath in and hum the length of your exhale.  You can play a game to see how long each of you can hum for.

Singing
Children love to sing and to hear you sing.  Singing also regulates the breath and brings us to the present.

Listen to an app
Find a peaceful spot to listen to a guided, child-friendly mindfulness meditation together.

Get physical!
Sometimes we need to meet ourselves and our children where we/they are.  If energy levels are high, start with something physical like dancing, jumping or running and then start to settle into something quieter.

Tips for success
There really is no right or wrong way to bring awareness to the present moment, but like anything regular practice helps.  Start small and build from there.  Be kind to yourself and remember that we all get it wrong from time to time.  Practices that foster connection and are fun and flexible are more likely to become long time habits.

Try for yourself and see if mindfulness helps you to respond to the challenges of the “Terrible Twos’ with greater calm and ease. You might also notice that your child learns some great skills from you too.